So the cow jumped over the moon...

I've been thinking of you a lot lately.

Tonight I was staring at the moon through the slats of that rickety old fence that we put up and I couldn't quite see the entirety of the moon. It was annoying. So I found myself trying to look through each slat to get a better view.

This year has proved nothing more than a thorn in my side...and one in others as well, and we are all wondering what we will come out on the end with....perhaps you know the answer.

I remember the way that you were always so perceptive and intuitive to everything around you. You would always point out things that I never would have noticed. Be it a stray animal on the side of the road or a homeless person outside of a seedy gas station on the wrong side of the tracks in Savannah, you would always stop and wonder.

Since you've been gone I have found myself trying to be more perceptive, taking the time to stop and think about the actions I take and the words that I share.

A friend of mine, one that you know pretty well, got some rough news today, as you may know. This gave me a twinge of hate towards this year, but then I thought about how you would probably criticize me for being too emotionally involved and to SNAP OUT OF IT! But then you would reflect on the human emotions that you were so gracefully given (ones that I lack) and reflect on the pain that could be expected to follow. You had an amazing ability to precept what was going to happen and you were equipped with an uncanny skill of having human compassion. You were always so much better than me at that...perhaps my better half.

So after some time, I decided to try to get a better view of the moon. I took the human emotions and moved them to a higher ground, which you would have done. "So just walk around it, Holly", is what you always said when something frustrating was impeding my way. So I walked around that annoying fence and look what was seen...

Hard to believe it has been as long has been...I sure do miss arguing pointlessness with you.

Take care and I love you....

Patience is a virtue?

I was making an uneventful trip through Walmart the other day and on my way to the pet aisle I passed the 'scent' aisle. It was in the passing that I got a little choked up in the throat through a memory of you. I was remembering the time that we had taken a trip to Walmart, unplanned, but I had coupons for a very specific Febreeze candle. Upon arriving at this aisle to locate the appropriate candle, you decided to take control. you would pick up a candle and say, "Oh, this one smells nice". I would reply, "Chelsea, that is a Gain candle, I don't have a coupon for that one". This went on for about 25 minutes, you picking up the wrong brand and attempting to talk me into purchasing it, and me discouraging the brand that you chose because that was not what the coupon was for. After a number of minutes and extreme boredom setting in on you, you looked up and said, "So what is it that you are looking for?", I replied, "They say that 'Patience is a virtue', Chelsea". You then, in the glory that made you who you are, asked me who "they" was.

This brought me to a cross roads in my life because for the first time I didn't know the answer. I still to this day cannot answer this question.

As you already know, Daddy Al (our maternal grandfather) has left this world and joined you in the next. He left this world on 9/9/12 at 6:05 am. While this for me * trying to be completely honest, gave me some relief, as he was suffering, it brought new light to our family. It was during some altercations with family members over some REALLY dumb stuff that I realized how important the "Patience is a virtue" quote really is, because I have officially been to that point and back. It has made me realize that death really does 'bring out the best in everyone' and has made me realize that my place in this world really means nothing. There were so many times that I wish that I had you with me to take a ride in the car and talk about how crazy everyone else is and how normal we are (;), knowing good and well that that is so far from the truth. I miss you.

You were so great at making me feel completely normal in the fact that perhaps our family was nuts in their thoughts and reassuring me that everything would eventually work its way out. I'm not sure that our family knew of our connection because of our blatant display of dislike towards each other in public, but it was implied during one of these heated conversations that because we were "on the outs" during your death that it would not impact me at all. How false and far from the truth that could be.

Sophie asked during the funeral service for Daddy Al where he was. Her mother replied that he was in heaven with Aunt Chelsea. I looked to her and said, "And she is probably hating not being able to get away with everything she wants to because Daddy Al is there to keep a watchful eye on her".

I giggle to myself about that everyday. I liked to pretend that after 'burying' my 19 year old sister that there would be little else that could effect me in that way, again to be proven wrong because death is one in its own and there is little that can be done about its effects. We hope that we can be strong when we need to be and weak when we are alone. Although I have recently brought to my knees in a moment of strength and brought to praise in a moment of weakness...

So when you have given all that you can and feel that you can't give anymore and you feel yourself breaking, is patience a virtue or a burden...let me know if you figure that out. I guess I will learn to practice what I preach...

I know the Walmart 'scent' aisle will never be the same and neither will family gatherings without two beautiful and unwavering souls present but I can hope that you are there, by my side, regardless of how we left things between us, helping me along the way. Car trips will never be the same without you and something I apparently didn't say enough while you were with me but I love you!! I love you! I love you!

* I try to maintain my honesty in my feelings for the sake that somewhere, somehow, I am helping others, however I also try to maintain dignity for those involved in these stories/memories. Be patient with me.