An Open Letter to the Soul..

Have you ever felt so mad that your skin crawls? Felt so mucky that it is hard to put a smile on your face and even fake it? Felt so bogged down by life that the only thing you end up feeling in the end is numb?

I do. Every day.

          I have spent my life on the pride that I have been raised in a household that was celebrated with self expression and the ability to take up for yourself. I was raised in a philanthropical family that cared deeply in the community in which we surrounded ourselves with, but were also told to celebrate our independence. We were raised to believe in what was right, as you remember, but with a sense of great humility. So how were we to know how to balance this gift? To our parents the importance of knowing who we are balanced with a sense of great gratitude and love was of great importance; in theory, an amazing achievement; in life, not probable. So how were we to know where the balance of a gift and the love of a talent were to meet?

         

         My bossiness has been well documented along with virtues, but what has come of my amazing ability to love? I know I have plenty of it to go around; but where did it go? Everyone celebrates and congratulates my ability to lead and the “take charge” attitude that was instilled in me as a child, but where did my imaginative and compassionate talent, a greatly praised talent when I was younger, go? If you find it, can you please promptly return it?

          I know exactly the day and time that all of the ability to care left me: March 3^rd, 2012 at about 2:00 am. Does this make me a bad person? I hope not. I can only hope that after a severe bout with anger, resentment, and life that I can return to the human that I once was, before Chelsea died, or, better known as: BCD.

         To those of you that have been injured or harmed on my tirade for personal realization and the lack of resilience that I have shown, just know, that I have suffered, and that I can only claim “human”! The pain that my family and I will have to carry with us, for the rest of our time on earth, will be life long, and therefore our resilience will have to prove the same. Pray that we have the strength. Please know that my hurtful words and unkind looks are not emotions that I have control over at this point and I plead insanity! No really, I am trying to recover in the only way that I know possible.  Please know that what I have said or acted upon isn’t me, more than it is a shell of the person that I once was.

          

          Let me explain: when you have felt your worse, your sickest, most down, multiply that by 1000. Now multiply that by 1000. And you are alone, with no one to talk to and the idea that world is completely against you, and there is no one to share these sentiments to. That is where I am and have been. The biggest hole you could dig for yourself, covered with cement. Though the idea of a light at the end of the tunnel sounds amazing, I need night goggles to find a glimpse of that light. The worst part is that I have been blessed with the amazing pressure of everyone that surrounds me. Within the first 10 minutes of learning of Chelsea’s death I was expected to accept, entertain, and maintain the well-being of my entire family, all the while suffering a tremendous loss of which I didn’t have 3 seconds to process on my own. 3:00 am came quick every night for me thereafter and sleep has become somewhat of a miracle in my mind since. Taking care of a loving mother, a lost grandmother, and a step dad with a broken heart, along with the several aunts, uncles, cousins, second cousins, friends, and distant family, along with trying to care for the niece of the deceased and a loving husband, all while trying to make sure that you yourself ate and slept enough….well, it’s impossible. Notice who came last on that list.

         I am not making excuses for my inexcusable behavior the last few months, or my inability to filter my thoughts into more educated or respected words, I am simply asking for forgiveness for imperfections that I have no control over at this point. I can do little more than beg at this point, an unbecoming trait in me that I know is tiring. Please know that all of my bad habits (ALL) are inexcusable, but know that I am human, just as you, but that I will strive to create a more harmonious tactic in my judgments, words, and actions. Everyone experiences loss in their life, and ones that are more tremendous than the one I have experienced, I just can't seem to get it together the way most people do. Words are my only comfort. 

     
Please know that my insensate banter, my sarcastic comments, and my harsh sentiments are not a reflection of who I am, or used to be, but, unfortunately, who I have become. "But this to shall pass". Right?

         Chelsea was an enormous part of my life and the anger has settled in and made a home in my heart, which neither she nor I would appreciate. Please bear with me while I work to cleanse that hate, hurt, and anger from my heart. I will try very hard to choose my words and actions from thus forth because Chelsea wouldn't want it this way.

So if I seem covered, painful, spiteful, jealous, and alone....or just wanting to be alone, I am. There is nothing, I have realized, that I can do to relieve it. This is a pain that I must bear on my own. My nerves, words, feelings, and life are on exposed for everyone to see and hear. I write this blog for the hope to save feelings and with the hope to heal another's wounds...I hurt. There I said it. I hurt! The weight that I carry daily will never subside, I know that now, please, please, please be patient.

And besides, how do you learn to say goodbye to a piece of your heart? Please forgive and bear.