Thursday, June 14, 2012

A Symbol of You


It has been a crazy last couple of weeks, so I haven’t been able to write to you in a while. I have been working on planning a 10 year reunion, a baby shower, your niece’s birthday party, playing on a softball team, and somehow managed to fit in a full course load of college classes. Someone asked me last week where I find the time for everything and I think I replied with “I’m a control freak, so I like being in control.” But to be honest, being busy keeps me from having to reconcile my feelings. So it wasn’t until a very close friend told me about her father, who has been battling cancer for quite some time that he had been readmitted to the hospital due to several complications, that I finally took the time to stop and allow myself to think of you. Not that you are ever far from my mind, but I guess I always looked at it like people die, we grieve, and then we are somehow, someway supposed to pick up the pieces of our broken lives and move on. I keep thinking that eventually, people will get tired of hearing me talk about you, or that they will start to wonder ‘what’s really going on’ with me, and the next thing I know I am ‘Lyndsey Lohan’ and everyone is encouraging me to go to rehab or to seek some sort of professional help. Ha! You once had a Lyndsey Lohan moment…but we will leave that for another day. It was on the day of the sad news of my friend’s father that I realized how badly I really miss you and that pain will never go away. That even after the hectic schedule, the endless studying, and the constant running around, that the void that you left is still there and more illuminating than ever.



Mom’s birthday was last week and we, Garrett’s family and mine, decided to give her something that would be a beautiful reminder of not only you, but all of us that love her, and perhaps bring her a little peace in the meantime. It’s one of those ‘Pandora’ bracelets, and I use the word Pandora lightly because it is not a “real” Pandora, but more a knock off, but beautiful none the same. We got her five starter beads with the intention of adding to it for years to come. We got the obvious pearl bead because it is the birthstone for the month of June, a family tree to symbolize our family, and a grandma bead (that I am pretty sure you would have made fun of because it sounds old), even though the girls call her Grammie. The other three had more to do with you than anything else. An angel for obvious reasons, a scallop shell because that seems to have become one of your ‘symbols’, and the ever present Fleur di lis. The only hiccup in this amazing gift was that she received it the day before the 90 day ‘anniversary’ (I like to think of anniversaries as celebrations and do not like them being used to commemorate someone’s tragic demise) of your death.

It is truly amazing that the very tattoos that I used to make fun of you so badly for have become the very thing that people have begun to use to keep you ever present. I used to tell you how gaudy your fleur di lis tattoo was and the fact that you put it on your left wrist was awful; “displaying your tackiness to the world” is what I used to tell you. The scallop shell you had on your thigh/hip area which would have been an acceptable area of coverage for most people but for someone that wore shorts that looked like underwear, it was almost always on display. Now I cherish these two symbols with all of my heart. I find them and see them everywhere too. The other day I was putting some stuff of Reagan’s away in her room and she has a picture of you, a small wallet sized picture, the one of you at the beach, on her bookshelf next to her bed and after staring at it for a minute or two I turned around and moved over to her TV stand and there, next to her TV, was a random scallop shell that I had never seen before. I found one in the floor of your closet the day I took mom back Savannah, the Friday after you died. I often see scallop shells and fleur di lis all over the place and at first I thought maybe it was like when you are thinking of buying something that you kind of want and you start seeing it all over the place, but I know better now.




I used to ask you why you decided on a fleur di lis and mock you for being silly because you weren’t even French. You could never give me a straight answer and you would simply shrug your shoulders and reply “I dunno, I just felt like it”, but then quickly scold me for my own horrible tattoo decision that I had gotten when I was 17. So out of curiosity I looked up what it was that they Fleur di lis stood for and according to Wkipedia (yes I know): In French, fleur di lis literally means “lily flower”, but has become a symbol of royalty because of its use on crowns and scepters, and also in religion to symbolize the Virgin Mary and the Holy Trinity. I like it.

The thing is that your tattoos have become quite the celebrity. I think they give people a little something to hold onto to help cope and perhaps keep you close to their hearts. And when I say that they are everywhere, they are everywhere. Your tattoos have become quite popular, sadly though, I see it as comparable to an artist’s paintings being worth more after they are dead or a musician’s music skyrocketing to the top of the charts after an overdose (bad analogy). But I guess to me it doesn’t matter the reason, as long as they remember. 


Because while the craziness of life will go on, you will never be far from my thoughts and even closer to my heart. 





1 comment:

  1. I have become obsessed with scallop shells and fleur di lis, buying earrings, charms, address labels, and pictures of them. I don't know - it kind of makes me feel closer to Chelsea.

    ReplyDelete