It has been a crazy last couple of weeks, so I haven’t been
able to write to you in a while. I have been working on planning a 10 year
reunion, a baby shower, your niece’s birthday party, playing on a softball
team, and somehow managed to fit in a full course load of college classes.
Someone asked me last week where I find the time for everything and I think I
replied with “I’m a control freak, so I like being in control.” But to be
honest, being busy keeps me from having to reconcile my feelings. So it wasn’t
until a very close friend told me about her father, who has been battling
cancer for quite some time that he had been readmitted to the hospital due to
several complications, that I finally took the time to stop and allow myself to
think of you. Not that you are ever far from my mind, but I guess I always
looked at it like people die, we grieve, and then we are somehow, someway
supposed to pick up the pieces of our broken lives and move on. I keep thinking
that eventually, people will get tired of hearing me talk about you, or that
they will start to wonder ‘what’s really going on’ with me, and the next thing
I know I am ‘Lyndsey Lohan’ and everyone is encouraging me to go to rehab or to
seek some sort of professional help. Ha! You once had a Lyndsey Lohan moment…but
we will leave that for another day. It was on the day of the sad news of my
friend’s father that I realized how badly I really miss you and that pain will
never go away. That even after the hectic schedule, the endless studying, and
the constant running around, that the void that you left is still there and
more illuminating than ever.
It is truly amazing that the very tattoos that I used to
make fun of you so badly for have become the very thing that people have begun
to use to keep you ever present. I used to tell you how gaudy your fleur di lis
tattoo was and the fact that you put it on your left wrist was awful; “displaying
your tackiness to the world” is what I used to tell you. The scallop shell you
had on your thigh/hip area which would have been an acceptable area of coverage
for most people but for someone that wore shorts that looked like underwear, it
was almost always on display. Now I cherish these two symbols with all of my
heart. I find them and see them everywhere too. The other day I was putting
some stuff of Reagan’s away in her room and she has a picture of you, a small
wallet sized picture, the one of you at the beach, on her bookshelf next to her
bed and after staring at it for a minute or two I turned around and moved over
to her TV stand and there, next to her TV, was a random scallop shell that I
had never seen before. I found one in the floor of your closet the day I took
mom back Savannah, the Friday after you died. I often see scallop shells and
fleur di lis all over the place and at first I thought maybe it was like when
you are thinking of buying something that you kind of want and you start seeing
it all over the place, but I know better now.
I used to ask you why you decided on a fleur di lis and mock
you for being silly because you weren’t even French. You could never give me a
straight answer and you would simply shrug your shoulders and reply “I dunno, I
just felt like it”, but then quickly scold me for my own horrible tattoo decision
that I had gotten when I was 17. So out of curiosity I looked up what it was
that they Fleur di lis stood for and according to Wkipedia (yes I know): In French, fleur di lis literally means “lily
flower”, but has become a symbol of royalty because of its use on crowns and
scepters, and also in religion to symbolize the Virgin Mary and the Holy
Trinity. I like it.
The thing is that your tattoos have become quite the
celebrity. I think they give people a little something to hold onto to help
cope and perhaps keep you close to their hearts. And when I say that they are
everywhere, they are everywhere. Your tattoos have become quite popular, sadly
though, I see it as comparable to an artist’s paintings being worth more after
they are dead or a musician’s music skyrocketing to the top of the charts after
an overdose (bad analogy). But I guess to me it doesn’t matter the reason, as
long as they remember.
Because while the craziness of life will go on, you will never be far from my thoughts and even closer to my heart.
I have become obsessed with scallop shells and fleur di lis, buying earrings, charms, address labels, and pictures of them. I don't know - it kind of makes me feel closer to Chelsea.
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