However, it wasn't.
I was talking to Reagan about school work the other day and how important it was to stay on task and to listen to the teacher, when I realized that I found myself thinking I was loser. I found myself drifting back to a time standing right outside your father's house. I had just moved back to Cleveland from Savannah with my fiance and daughter in tow and little else to call my own. I had pulled into the driveway, for what I don't know, but I got out of the car and began talking to your dad. As I stood there talking with your him,Vince and yourself came out to say hey. In the middle of the conversation, of I don't know what, you said, "You're just jealous I'm not a loser like you that had a kid too young".
It wasn't your ignorance, or the blatant disregard for my feelings that I felt the most, but more over the idea that the very ignorance that you were speaking of was your very own niece. Someone so innocent she was not even able to call you by name.
About two years later, while traveling in the car somewhere, you looked to me, without warning, and said, "Reagan sure is amazing." I looked at you in astonishment and said, "but because of her I am a loser. Chelsea, I hope that you can enjoy loserdom the way that I do everyday when she says, 'I love you, Mommy' and smiles sweetly at me. Unlike you, I am the person that she depends on to live and when she does amazing things, I know it is because of me. Someday, I hope you get to experience that." You looked at me and smiled, then began to laugh, "but Holly, why would I do that? I already know that God would punish me and I would be screwed". I laughed and agreed. You continued the conversation with "So does that make me a loser or are you?". It was one of those conversations that you tell someone about later on and they don't understand. One of those conversations that only sisters understand. We both knew in that moment that you and I both loved Reagan and each other but didn't want to say it out loud.
I laughed again and we quickly moved the conversation to something else, but that moment stuck with me.
I laughed again and we quickly moved the conversation to something else, but that moment stuck with me.
How important you are to her and all of your nieces and they were to you.
I sure do miss you and all of your sarcasm and rudeness.
Love you, baby sister!
She always said she was never getting married and having kids. But she did love her nieces. Sometimes she did have a strange way of showing it though! She was unique.
ReplyDeleteThis blog is actually really, liberating. My father passed away a few years ago. I have been writing him letters knowing that he will never read them and to me it sets me free. It lets me say what I can't tell others. Thanks for writing this blog. It strengthens people like me.
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