Aren't we all a little insane at times?

Reagan had her guitar duet with her instructor in church yesterday (she did amazing!). While I was waiting for church to begin, sitting in the pew in the empty sanctuary, I thought: Chelsea would have come to watch Reagan play, if she could have. As I was reflecting on this thought I imagined what you would say at the end of her performance. It would have been some sort of criticism about the way that she was sitting or the way that she was holding her guitar, it would have angered her to the core and it would end with you laughing at me saying, “What? I can’t help it she is over sensitive,” and Reagan crossing her arms and pouting. I would have said something to the effect of, “Chelsea, she is 7 and you are 19, please act your age and just leave her alone.” This thought was the first time that I had realized that you would have been sitting right there next to me, but you weren’t. It was the first realization that you would never again sit next to me in church, or anywhere for that matter.

Is this what that Keebler-Ross lady calls acceptance? I think it should be called “A Punch in the Gut.” The stages of grief should be redefined to include this exact step. The steps would go: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, 5) A Punch in the Gut. So when you are done with your heart wrenching sadness and pain, you feel the wind rush from your lungs when you suddenly realize that you are starting a life without your loved one, this sensation would feel much like someone punching you in the stomach. To me, that causes you to start the whole damn process over again, so it becomes this vicious cycle of highs and lows until you are either so insane that you learn to mask it or your husband decides to lock you away in a institute because you are about to drive him insane. Either way, there is a lot of insanity floating around.

I was thinking about the time (one of many) that I thought you had gone insane. You were in middle school at White County Middle and had just started a new year, I believe 6^th grade. You had just moved up to Cleveland from Savannah to live with your dad for a bit so you didn’t really know any of the kids at school. Once you get to school the staff herds you in to the cafeteria to be put into “holding” until the bell rings, signaling for the all clear to get to class and the day to begin. I am not sure to this day what could have provoked you to think that doing this was a good idea but you started banging your head on the cafeteria table in order to….make friends? Of all of the socially insane ways to make friends, this one might actually make the top ten best. I’m not really sure what kind of friends you were trying to attract but either way, your plight failed, and you were immediately ushered to the counselor’s office. Your father was contacted and so began an era. Your dad told me that for Christmas that year he was going to get you a pillow so when you decided to bang your head on a table to make friends at least you would have a soft place to land it. You, somehow, ended up making quite a gaggle of friends that year, regardless of your socially insane behavior in the beginning. I guess you always knew how to make a scene in the best possible way.

The dictionary defines insanity as the condition of being insane; a derangement of the mind. I truly believe that you were insane, especially in the above mentioned situation, but I also think that your insanity was an attribute to your intense uniqueness. Of course your inability to filter your words, smart mouth, and your dry sarcasm were also huge parts of your personality, but they are all characteristics that made you, you. 

Though sometimes it was difficult to tolerate, your personality could fill a room to capacity. 

I feel like we all go a little insane at times, just a rare few of us have the courage to show it off with pride in such a public manner.